The Signs as Shit My Friends Say

aries: fuck you, i’m NOT hangry!!!

taurus: if this is about your relationship status, i’m going to need another bottle of wine

gemini: if you’re half jewish, does that mean i can be half gay?

cancer: a zebra. two zebras. dos zebros!

leo: someone save me, i’m about to get bareback fucked by this exam

virgo: i put a funnel in the cheerios thing and now it’s starting to look more like a tree!!

sagittarius: another day, another soprano screaming off-key in the practice room next to mine

libra: oh, no, he’s great, he just does a lot of coke

scorpio: i’m putting my name down as “olive ostrovsky has daddy issues”

capricorn: the gordon ramsay version of “yes daddy” is “yes chef”

aquarius: i’m passionate about two things: recycling and REVENGE
pisces: you’re a syrupy disaster!!

source: short–insomniacs