aries: fuck you, i’m NOT hangry!!!
taurus: if this is about your relationship status, i’m going to need another bottle of wine
gemini: if you’re half jewish, does that mean i can be half gay?
cancer: a zebra. two zebras. dos zebros!
leo: someone save me, i’m about to get bareback fucked by this exam
virgo: i put a funnel in the cheerios thing and now it’s starting to look more like a tree!!
sagittarius: another day, another soprano screaming off-key in the practice room next to mine
libra: oh, no, he’s great, he just does a lot of coke
scorpio: i’m putting my name down as “olive ostrovsky has daddy issues”
capricorn: the gordon ramsay version of “yes daddy” is “yes chef”
aquarius: i’m passionate about two things: recycling and REVENGE
pisces: you’re a syrupy disaster!!