Aries: Try to avoid attention, words will travel further than normal for a while. Where gossip goes, death follows.
Taurus: Impress your boss! capture the enemy CEO and present their head as tribute.
Gemini: Today you will be offered an excellent deal. Six cats for the price of one, all in one compact physical form. The decision is up to you.
Cancer: The stars say you’re headed for some change, some real high-energy chemical change. Someone will try to set you on fire.
Leo: The dentist putting his hand in your mouth is not a challenge and they need their fingers. They talk about you in the orthodontic community.
Virgo: Your eyes reflect your souls. In your eyes, the stars see the sega dreamcast.
Libra: The stripper is definitely not human. Do with this what you will.
Scorpio: The stars say no horoscope today because you didn’t eat your vegetables and thats final.
Ophiuchus: Curiosity kills the cat. Curiosity is an apex predator and a carnivore.
Sagittarius: Show your appreciation with a well composed poem and a salvo of rockets.
Capricorn: Looks like luck is on your side, capricorn. Looks like you’re headed for a mother fuckin estuary.
Aquarius: Sometimes the easy way out still involved being hit with a gold club. Not saying you should be thankful, just prepared.
Pisces: The future is here and boy is it sticky.