Aries: Haven’t you heard? I’m the crazy bitch around here.
Taurus: Nothing’s holding me back anymore. I know what I want, and I’m gonna get it.
Gemini: I have an idea for you: quit. Your boss is a bitch. Let’s go to lunch.
Cancer: Feelings never do make sense. They get you all confused. Then they drive you around for hours before they drop you right back where you started.
Leo: Ladies, you can put your tiny brains to rest. Once again the world has proven: anything you can do, I can do better!
Virgo: You can’t make people love you, but you can make them fear you.
Libra: You deserve a guy who would move mountains to be with you if he had to.
Scorpio: I’m not a stop along the way. I’m a destination.
Sagittarius: Oh, my life is so bountiful. I don’t need a boyfriend to feel fulfilled.
Capricorn: The most important thing in a relationship is trust. After sex. And hygiene. And earning potential.
Aquarius: Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish.
Pisces: People don’t write sonnets about being compatible, or novels about shared life goals and stimulating conversation. The great loves are the crazy ones.